The Traitors' Ash Bibi on fleeing a violent home for a women's refuge at 16: 'There's always hope'

Ash Bibi is fizzing with life and laughter when she joins the video call. She is about to go on a solo trip to Mexico for her 47th birthday – but before that, the Traitors star wanted to make time for our conversation. This week marks another milestone: it is 31 years since she fled home as a teenager.

“It is very rare that I talk about it, and it’s been so long since I have,” Bibi admits, later telling me this is the first time she has spoken in such depth about her childhood in years. She wants to share her story to give hope of life beyond the entrapments of a violent home – and to encourage others to seek help, even when escape feels impossible.

“I remember how I felt, and there were times that maybe I didn’t want to be alive. I think it’s important to know that there is always going to be somebody there to help you, and there’s always hope,” she says.

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Bibi went to school the day after her 16th birthday knowing she would not return home. She had her books, a change of clothes and a toothbrush, but nothing else in her rucksack. She had spent years waiting for that moment – when she could finally escape the violence she faced at home. That day, she was placed in a women’s refuge.

“I remember being really young and knowing something wasn’t right at home. I have vague memories, like little flashbacks. I used to come home for lunch and something might have occurred, and I remember going back to school with tears in my eyes. One time I pretended that I fell because I was so embarrassed that I was crying or upset,” Bibi says.

She recalls watching Childline adverts around the age of nine, and plotting to pack her pink-and-white Aldi backpack with a pen, book and clothes and head to a phone box. She hoped that one day she would be brave enough to call the helpline.

But it was years before she contacted Childline. She says she would lie in bed at night fearful of the next scream and terrified that she would be in the firing line next.

The eldest of five children, Bibi says: “I remember feeling quite scared. I was afraid for my siblings. I was the only girl until my sister was born. She’s the youngest. I was surrounded by boys and it felt isolating. I remember creeping in the hallway at night. I could hear stuff. I could hear crying. I could hear screaming.”

Yet she explains: “It was more than just the violence. It was also not having a life. I was stopped from watching TV when I was about 10. I wasn’t allowed to listen to music. But the real catalyst for me was that I knew when I finished school at 16, I wouldn’t be doing anything, and I was quite afraid that I’d be shipped off to Pakistan and married off.

“I knew when I was a young kid that I couldn’t live my life this way. I knew I wasn’t going to be able to have a life. The first step came from talking to my friends and then teachers. A part of me was scared, but I know a big part of me was also hopeful.”

Bibi was 12 when she first spoke to her teachers, who brought in organisations to help – but Bibi felt these groups were encouraging her to stay at home. It was a few years later that she called Childline and started to believe she could escape.

“One lunchtime I went to the phone box, and I called Childline. I remember crying and I wish I could remember what they were telling me, but I remember it being really hopeful.”

At 15, Bibi approached a teacher again – this time a trusted science teacher who knew of an organisation which could genuinely help. She recalls how the teacher drove her into Birmingham city centre during the school day.

She was told she could leave home that day if she wanted – and she felt that this organisation truly wanted to support her. But she would have to go through the court system because she was under the age of 16. She was not prepared for that, so she decided to wait a few months until her birthday.

“I’d already been through so many years. I just had to hold on. I just had to be patient. I remember thinking: ‘Just be a nice, obedient girl. Don’t say anything. Don’t do anything.’ I needed eyes off me. I needed to be able to make it till my 16th birthday.”

And she did. The day after her 16th birthday, she left home. Only a couple of teachers and a close friend knew. She left no trace behind.

Bibi was most reluctant to leave her little sister, who was still very young at the time. It is the only moment in our conversation that she cries. “I loved them all. It was really difficult to leave them, but with her being the youngest and being a girl…” she says through tears.

“I knew that this was going to affect my family but I felt I had to do it. I didn’t have a choice. How could I help them if I couldn’t help myself first?”

That morning, Bibi went to school and one of her best friends – who is still a close friend today – took her into Birmingham, to the place the teacher had taken her a few months earlier. 

Her memories are blurred but Bibi recalls staff saying to each other that Worcester social services would take her in. She was driven in a car to the women’s refuge where she spent the next few weeks.

“I was afraid of what was happening, and I was really afraid of being found, but I had covered my tracks. The staff were lovely. There were mums there with their kids. 

“There was also another young woman there who was about three years older than me. She was in the prostitute business, fleeing a violent pimp. She didn’t have a family. I remember thinking: ‘I’ll be your friend.’ There was solace in the place. I always felt safe there.”

After that, social services took care of Bibi and she was placed in supported lodgings – an alternative to foster care for young people over the age of 16.

Bibi told social services she did not want to finish school – although she now wishes that she was not given that choice. She wanted to be a hairdresser or an actress, neither of which required her to have GCSEs, so she decided not to continue.

“I lived in Worcester for several years, but there was something inside me that was like, this isn’t home. I closed my eyes, and I put the finger on a map, and Sheffield came up. So I moved to Sheffield. I didn’t like it, so six months later, I ended up moving to Dublin.” 

Bibi qualified as a hairdresser and then moved to New York in her 20s, where she went to drama school, before she returned to the UK to work in events. She completed her Maths and English GCSEs in her 30s “just for fun”. 

And of course, she starred in the second season of BBC One’s The Traitors – as an infamous traitor.

“I like to be happy. I love being alive, and I’m grateful to be alive. I like to have fun, and that’s what The Traitors was about for me. Even down to work I like to do, being around people and being out, everything is about fun. Let’s enjoy life as much as we can,” Bibi says.

There are still “residual effects” of the violence she suffered in her childhood, but through therapy and time Bibi has found joy. She reconnected with her little sister, who was the one to encourage her to speak out about her story and raise awareness.

And a few years ago, Bibi tracked down the science teacher who helped her escape.

“She’s been amazing, telling me how proud she is of me. I never look at myself as the strong person or the courageous person. I just look at myself as the person who just wanted to be alive and wanted to survive. And I think I need to start changing that narrative.”

Childline can be contacted on 0800 1111 or via chat with a counsellor and there is more information and advice on the website.

The National Domestic Abuse Helpline can be reached on 0808 2000 247.

There is also help available if you are struggling with your mental health. Call Samaritans for free on 116 123, email jo@samaritans.org or visit samaritans.org for useful resources and advice on coping.

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